september 18, 2007

Lust, not disgust, key to flirting

Women like Scarlett O'Hara and Marilyn Monroe knew how to turn on the charm and up their flirting ante. They had a gift — and smiles they weren't afraid to share.

But fleeting moments in overcrowded bars and confused glances passed on to friends seem to have replaced the flair these women once brought to flirting.

I remember, a few years back, my brother sharing one such confused experience with me. While waiting for his doctor's appointment, he befriended a female patient. They made conversation to help pass the time. My brother, clever though he is, only clued into how flirtatious she had actually been — sharing stories about herself and asking him about his life — when the doctor's receptionist called him a day later to let him know his new friend from the doctor's office wanted his phone number. When I asked him why he never bothered to ask for her number in the doctor's waiting room, he shrugged and said, "I didn't think she was interested."

"Flirting is a skill," says Ronald Lee, lead attraction coach for Vancouver-based Man Meets Woman (www.manmeetswoman.com), which gives workshops on the art of seduction.

The goal of flirting, Lee reminds us, is to have the other person feel a certain emotion — ideally lust, not disgust — toward us. "It's best if you actually feel this emotion first," he says. "Then try to project this emotion onto the other person so they get into the right mood."

The reason this works is because people tend to mirror each other.

Lee, who teaches flirting classes across Canada, believes anyone can learn to be a better flirt, and the way to learn is to watch other people and make a mental library of their flirting techniques. "Remember these, try them out and eventually you'll figure out (your own flirting style)," he says.

Attitude and confidence go a long way in expressing that inner flirt, but so too do our non-verbal cues. "Sub-communication — communicating without language — makes up 93 per cent of a person's communication," says Lee. "So, the non-verbal component is huge for creating attraction. If you know what you're doing ... you can make things happen way faster than if you just have the gift of the gab."

Some non-verbal cues include triangular gazing — looking someone eye to eye then to the lips; looking someone up and down; or simply giving them a well-calculated touch, say during a shared laugh together. "The purpose of that is to get the person to feel your touch and see how they respond," Lee says.

For Lee, it's practise and not being afraid to take risks that will help bring back the flair of flirting. For me, it's the hope that Marilyn Monroe is reincarnated.

kasia iglinski/metro toronto

datingjungle@metronews.ca